Jul 2006

There are some things I really wish I knew the truth about in my life. Sadly though this is not always a possibility. I have to have faith that there is some reason for the madness, the gut-wrenching injustice, the senseless pain. I recently have watched a loved one turn into a completely different, and honestly pretty horrible person. It is senseless and painful to stand by and not be able to fathom why it is happening or be able to do anything about it. And I wonder whether to feel more mad about this persons actions and how they have hurt me or sadness about what they have become. And people tell you that it is just another life experience. And they are right. But it doesn't make it hurt any less right now. I'm sure that eventually I will look back and not really feel much of anything about it at all.
I guess if nothing else this is all helping me to reevaluate what I find important in life and in people and in myself. Mostly the things I find important haven't changed, they have only intensified. Things like honesty, compassion, integrity, kindness, forgiveness, and love. That's all for now, I guess this entry is more introspective than a recitation of events. Oh well, that happens. Goodnight all.

Wow, its unreal that I have been home for three months. It is not what I expected, but then life rarely is. I scheme and I dream of possible next steps, new adventures. But right now, I am here and I think I need to be. My biggest wish is that I could be happy and have peace and come out of this stuff better, not bitter. Trials do eventually make you stronger but they can be numbingly painful. I'm too stubborn and yet too stupidly...oh I dont even have a word for it. It resonates in me...like once I care for a person, I'm just screwed, they have me hooked forever. My heart and soul are completely at their mercy. Be this a friend, family member or significant other. For me there is just no telling what will set it off. It is my greatest weakness. I build up walls to protect myself, but some people with their crazy magic voodoo still get in. Then I let them tear me all to shreds. I guess I have learned that even when I hurt so badly I think I'll probably die from the pain, in fact I will not die, and I will even be ok eventually, and I will be stupid enough/weak enough to let someone else do it all over again. What a crazy stupid life it is sometimes. I never claimed to live safely or sanely. Sometimes I think I'd like it better if I did, but I know my soul would thirst. So I'm doomed to repeat my circular fate of taking chances, loving too much and losing. And keep hoping beyond reason that eventually something will happen or someone will happen and break the circle. Now that you are all slightly confused, I'm going to leave it at that and go get some dinner. As usual, I hope you all are doing well and I hope you are living life fully.